The Red Forman Tidbit Minute
by McGinty's331
Summary: Send your messages to Red for him to read in upcoming season three tidbits! Spend a minute for some words of wisdom with America's favourite dad where he tackles pressing issues. Season Three is coming soon!
1. Red Forman and His Introduction

**RED FORMAN AND HIS INTRODUCTION**

Red is sitting in his chair in the living room.

"Hi there. I'm Red Forman and welcome to my tidbit minute where I'll get to talk to you people about current topics in the world today, that damn rock crap, things that I'll get to kick your ass on, things that make me go bald, and so on and so forth. So prepare to be entertained by my hermit of a family."

Kitty and Eric enter the living room. Kitty is holding a pie and smiling and waving at the camera.

"Hi!" Kitty greets.

They both leave.

"Of course there are also annoying neighbors."

Bob enters wearing only a towel.

"Do you have any shampoo? I'm all out."

"Get out Bob, and don't come back until you know what pants are."

Bob leaves.

"Then there's of course Eric's annoying friends."

Eric's friends enter except for Fez.

"And of course the annoying gay one."

Fez enters and waves like a girl to the camera. All Eric's friends leave.

"There's a lot more, but... I don't really care about them... So sit back and relax. This is my very own tidbit minute."

**TV AD:** He's fast, he's funny, he's still bald! Catch Red Forman for more tidbit minutes coming your way real soon! Stay tuned!

**THE END**


	2. Red Forman Goes to Circuit City

**RED FORMAN GOES TO CIRCUIT CITY**

"Excuse me, I'm looking for one of those brand new cassette players for my son. He wanted one of those with the record player connected, but I'm just going to get him an eight track player just to piss him off." Red told the helper when he entered the store.

"A what?" The clerk replied.

"Get with the program here! Are you stoned or something? An 8 track player."

"I'm sorry sir, but what's an 8-track player?"

"Holy mother of lord. Are you being a smartass with me? Are ya? Because I just love a smartass so I can kick him up the ass!"

"I don't know what an 8 track is."

"It plays music buddy! Music!"

"Um, I don't think we have one."

"Let me speak to you manager! I want to tell him how much you're being a dumbass to me!"

"Uh, sure."

The clerk goes over to the manager, they talk, and come over to Red.

"What seems to be the problem?" The manager asked.

"Tweedle-dum over here won't direct me to the 8-track players!"

"8-track? What are you from, the 70's?" The manager asked.

"Don't get smart with me mister!"

"Sorry sir. We don't have 8-tracks, but we have CD players and MP3s."

"What the hell are those?"

"They play music." The manager replied.

"You see, that's all I needed to hear. If it plays that damn rock crap, I wanna see it!"

"Sure thing, right this way." The manager showed Red to the MP3s.

Red picked one up to examine it.

"Crap! What is it?"

"MP3, newest technology in music."

"Where does the disc go?" Red asked.

"It doesn't need a disc!"

"Doesn't need... how did you crownies pull that off? This is amazing... how much?"

"This one is three hundred dollars."

"Three hundred dollars? For this thing? I can buy ten record players for that price!"

"Betcha you can't get this sound!"

The manager put earphones on Red.

"Wow! The sound is amazing. I'll take five! Maybe this'll shut Bob up!"

Red took the headphones off.

"This is great!"

"How about a look at the computers?" The manager asked.

"What in hell is a computer?"

"Come this way!"

Red follows, then minutes later is playing pinball on the computer.

"How did they managed to get a pinball machine into that flat screen?"

"They just did."

"How much?"

"A thousand."

"A thousand my ass! I'll take two!"

"How about we go look at the DVD players?"

"Don't push your luck, dumbass! Take this stuff out to the car!"

Red started to walk down the aisle when he came to the big screen TVs.

"Holy freaking crap! I could have football parties with that thing, and actually be cool! Hey you! Drag this damn thing out to my car!"

Red walked out of the store minutes later to see everything piled on top of the Vista Cruiser.

"The neighbors are going to be crapping themselves after they see what I'm bring home!" Red laughed as he walked to the car.

**TV AD: **"Circuit City, they're just what i needed! They've got all of this crap I've never even seen before! And if I ever need something, I coming back here." Red looks with a stern face in the other direction of the camera, then back and in a sterner voice; "And no one's stopping me!"

**THE END**


	3. Red Forman on Drugs

**RED FORMAN ON DRUGS**

Red is sitting in his chair in the living room.

"I'm here today to talk to all you dumbasses about drugs. They're not cool, and they're not fun. But if you want to go around in life being stoned every second of every day, then go ahead. Because why do I give a damn? Just look at Cheech and Chong over here."

Camera pans to Kelso and Hyde over at the dining table with joints hanging out of their mouths.

"Hey!" Kelso laughs.

"You're such a... Is that a unicorn? Cool!" Hyde replied.

Camera pans back over to Red.

"See what I mean? So, when it comes to drugs, don't do it, otherwise you'll just get a kick up the ass, by me!" Red gets up from his chair and goes over to Hyde and Kelso. The camera is still pinned on Red's empty chair.

Kelso screams and Hyde and Kelso run for the front door and leave. Red comes back over and sits down.

"I told you so! Now get out of my house before I kick your ass, too!"

The cameraman and the camera turn off of Red and run for the front door.

**TV AD:** Eric is sitting on his bed with Red in the background.

"My anti-drug is my father's boot up my ass." Eric turns to look at his father in horror. Red smiles back at Eric. Eric turns back to the camera. "Help..."

**THE END**

_This has been another edition of 'The Red Foreman Tidbit Minute', more tidbits coming soon._


	4. Red Forman Tries Roller Disco

**RED FORMAN TRIES ROLLER DISCO**

"Come on dad, it'll be fun!" Eric told Red as he dragged him into the roller-skating rink.

"Where the hell are we going?"

"You're going to try something new!"

Red stopped when he saw the roller rink.

"Holy mother of lord!" Red looked at the people skating in the bright colored shorts while dancing to disco.

"Time to put your groove on!" Eric smiled.

Red turned and looked at Eric.

"So this is what you do on your spare time? Dance to music in colorful shorts? Can't you just be a normal boy and masturbate to thoughts of Farrah Fawcett instead?"

"Eww, dad. That's so gross. Even, this is funkin' fun."

Red looked at Eric in disbelief.

"So you'd rather dance with these pansies?" Red looks at one guy go by in rainbow colored shorts and an afro. "Holy freakin' mother of lord, I've raised a tinkerbell."

"Come on dad, just try it!"

"Are you out of your mind? I'm going home, I can still catch the end of the Packers game. And don't bother coming home in those shorts either."

"But..."

"Bob wouldn't mind the company. Sayonara." Red left the rink.

"Party pooper! Let's do the funk!" Eric took off his pants to expose his brightly colored shorts, then rolled onto the rink.

**TV AD: **"Roller skates, now ninety-five percent off at your local Salvation Army!" Red said to the camera when Eric and him were standing next to the Vista Cruiser.

"But dad."

"Just get in the car dumbass. And say goodbye to those fruity-licious shorts of yours."

**THE END**

_More tidbits coming soon._


	5. Red Forman On George Foreman Grills

**RED FORMAN TALKS ABOUT GEORGE FOREMAN GRILLS**

Red is outside barbecuing.

"Damn! These new grills are the best!" Red holds up a piece of steak.

"Look at that! A lean piece of steak with no fat! Isn't that amazing?"

Red looks at the steak.

"No fat? What kind of dumbass would take the fat out of a piece of steak? It's the best part! Hell, I don't care if I die from high cholesterol, I don't have long to live anyway! I mean look at me! I'm balding, I had a heart attack, and I'm not getting any thinner!" Red looks at the grill, then picks it up and trashes it.

"Hey Kitty! Get the old barbecue out! We're gonna die tonight!" Red goes inside the house.

**TV AD: **"T.J. Max, get all that fancy no fat cooking crap for three hundred dollars or more!" Red holds up a piece of steak covered in fat. "Just the way I like it!" Red bites the end of the steak off.

**THE END**


	6. Red Forman on Cooking

**RED FORMAN ON COOKING**

Red is sitting at the kitchen table and just put down his newspaper.

"Hi there. I'm going to talk to you today about cooking. The fact is, I don't cook. You wanna know why, because I don't have to! Even, who the hell do I look like over here, Julia Childs? That's why I have my wife Kitty."

Kitty comes running over with oven mitts and an apron on.

"Hi!" Kitty waves to the camera, turns around to pick up a pie, then shows it to the camera. "It's peach!" Kitty laughs.

"You see! Peach pie! And I don't even have to move!" Red picks up his newspaper and starts to read it, then he picks up his beer while still reading the paper.

**TV AD:** Red is standing in the kitchen next to Kitty, who is in the background holding up a poster-board with a web link on there that reads '_pbs. org/julia'._

"Kitty's got the tastiest site on the web, just log on to pbs. org slash kitty." Red looks at the poster-board. He grabs a marker then scratches out Julia and writes in Kitty. "There, that's better. And if you don't visit, you'll be getting a visit from me!" Red sits down at the table while Kitty is still standing there holding up the poster board. Eric comes in and looks in the fridge.

"Hey mom, do we have any more orange soda?"

"Eric! Eric! Can't you see that you're mother's in the middle of doing a commercial?"

Eric looks at Kitty who is still just standing there.

"Okay... I'm going now. Have fun." Eric leaves the kitchen.

**THE END**


	7. Red Forman With Babies

**RED FORMAN WITH BABIES**

"Okay, Red. All you have to do is watch these babies for ten minutes. I'll be back shortly." Kitty told Red who was standing around in a nursery of a hospital with a bunch of babies.

"Which ones, the ones in the cribs, or the ones over there?" Red points to Eric and his friends.

"Oh stop! I'll be back in five." Kitty gives Red a baby, then leaves.

Red looks around at all the babies.

"Any of you watch last night's game?" Red looks around the room. "I guess not."

All the babies are just fidgeting around in their cribs. Then the baby Red is holding spits up on him.

"Oh god!" Red holds the baby up. "Can't you learn to keep it in?" Red wipes the spit off.

Red looks around at all the babies.

"So this is the next generation, huh? This is going to be god damn scary." Red looks at his watch. "Oh man! The game!" Red looks around to see Eric and his friends just standing around. He goes over to them.

"Here, and good luck." Red hands the baby to Eric and runs out of the room.

"What do we do with it?" Eric asked.

"Oh, look a baby!" Jackie goes over to the baby.

"You just noticed that we're in a room full of spit wading babies?" Hyde asks.

"With this attitude, you're never going to be a good father!" Jackie replies.

Red runs back in, and looks around.

"Which one of you hooligans took my car keys?" Red asks the babies.

Kitty runs in with the car keys.

"I knew it You don't want to have another baby!"

"You just figured that out? I hate babies, they make me go bald!"

Red snatches the keys out of Kitty's hands and walks out of the room.

"At least they don't make you fat!" Kitty starts to cry.

**TV AD: **"The brand new Corvettes are now on sale at your local GM dealer, and I'm getting one!" Red looks to the side of him. "And there's no room for a car seat! He'll just have to walk his fat ass home!"

**THE END**


	8. Red Forman and Rock

**RED FORMAN AND ROCK**

Red is sitting in the living room in his recliner.

"What the hell is it with you people and this rock crap? I mean, come on!" Red picks up a record of AC/DC. "Highway to hell? Do I really need to listen to crap like this when I already know that I'm in hell? Come on!" Red puts the record down.

"We're already in hell, why do you need to state it? I already know! I got a pansy for a son." Eric comes out and waves to the camera.

"Can I go now?" Eric asked.

"Shut it, dumbass."

Eric leaves.

"I've got an emotionally disturbed wife." Kitty comes out crying, waves poorly to the camera, then leaves.

"You see? There's also annoying neighbors! I was laid off from work, the Packers never won the Super Bowl, and I'm still balding! Look at this! My hair gets thinner and thinner each day! Why do I have to listen to some guy stick out his tongue, and yell to the audience that we're all in hell? I can listen to Barry Manalow and get the same feeling, but without yelling and screaming!"

Red puts on a Barry Manalow record and starts to smile.

**TV AD: **"AC/DC, now ninety percent off at your local K-Mart!" Red holds up AC/DC record.

Eric enters. "Dad, could I have my record back now?"

Red looks at Eric.

"Don't you have homework to do or something?"

"I'll just go now." Eric leaves.

Red smiles at the camera and throws the record over his shoulder.

**THE END**

_More tidbits coming soon._


	9. Red Forman Getting Old

**RED FORMAN GETTING OLD**

Red is sitting in his chair reading a newspaper, he then puts it down and looks at the camera.

"I'm getting old, do I have to say any more?" Red picks up the paper and starts to read again.

TV AD: "Retirement homes are for losers! That's why you should support them so that we can get rid of all them." Red says to the camera while reading the paper. "Retirement homes, now taking applications for all you old dumbasses."

**THE END**


	10. Red Forman On Sex

**RED FORMAN ON SEX**

Red is sitting at the kitchen table with a beer in his hand.

"Today, I am here to talk to you... 'people', the network wanted me to cut down on saying 'dumbass' all the time, but I said it anyway, so sue me. Anyway, sex. Sex is good, sex is important. Without sex, there would be no offspring, which in a way is a pretty good thing when you think about it. I mean with today's generation, don't you want the world to end? How are any of these children going to grow up and become a good president? I mean, most of our children these days are fondling women, or causing fights between the Iraqi kids and the American kids! It's very sad and disturbing! Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Sex. The best way to start is to just get right into it."

Kitty enters.

"No it's not, you've got to have the foreplay!"

Red looks at Kitty.

"What the hell does that have to do with making babies?"

"It helps get you turned on!"

"No it doesn't! It just prolongs the torture. I don't want the appetizers, I want to get right down to the main meal!"

"Men and the main meal! Next you want to say that you don't like the cuddling either!"

"Men don't want the cuddling, they want to go to sleep! We have to work you know!"

"So? How hard is it to take twenty minutes just to cuddle?"

"It's very hard! I don't want..."

SCREEN GOES TO 'WE ARE EXPERIENCING TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

**TV AD:** "Be safe, be okay, use the Trojans! Well, I don't because Kitty made me get a vase... just get out of my house dumbass!"

**THE END**


	11. Red Forman Goes Dining

**RED FORMAN GOES DINING**

Red is driving the Vista Cruiser with Kitty in the passenger seat.

"If you really want to get the wife or the girl off your back, take her out to eat. So when she's stuffing her face away with a fifty dollar steak, you won't have to hear her mouth at all. And if she groans from it being delicious, make sure you order something crunchy to cover up that groaning!"

Red parks the car and gets out.

"Make sure to always be a gentleman and wear cologne." Red walks on without opening the door for Kitty.

Red goes up to the hostess.

"And always make reservations in advance so that you don't have to wait around for 15 minutes in the waiting booth while listening to her moan and complain that she's hungry!"

Red tells the hostess, and Red and Kitty follow the hostess to a table.

"Always make sure you get a table so that there will not be any cuddling involved! Get one with plenty of space and where you can make a quick exit in case of emergencies!"

Red and Kitty sit down at the table and look over the menu.

"When going to a fancy dining place, make sure you go to one where the prices are reasonable. You don't want to pay 50 dollars for that steak, but 20 dollars! Also, wait a couple of minutes for the lady to pick out what she wants, and if she picks something expensive, counter act with a cheaper 'personal favorite'."

"Would you like me to take your orders now?" The waitress asks.

"Why certainly, Kitty, you go first." Looks at camera. "Always let the lady go first, so that she can't complain that you're getting something better." Looks at waitress. "I'll the Steak Flamboyant."

The waitress goes away.

"Always talk to your lady about reasonable things until the meal arrives, and if things get too ugly, just state that you have an overactive bladder."

The waitress comes with the food.

"When eating, be a man. Screw the knives, screw the forks. Just dig in! This is your time to eat, don't let courtesy get in the damn way." Red digs into the steak.

Kitty and Red finish dinner.

"Always make room for desert, women love dessert. And if you don't have room... the bathroom's around the corner." The waitress comes over with the dessert menu. "When ordering dessert, order something not too fattish, and not to un-fattish. You don't want your lady to think that she's either too fat or too skinny!"

Red and Kitty finish dessert.

"After dessert and it's time to leave, let your lady think that you are really generous and leave a 'big' tip. It's really simple to fold a dollar bill into looking like a five."

Red and Kitty get up and leave the restaurant.

"So, that's all the dining tips I have for you tonight. Good night and good riddance."

**TV AD:** "McDonald's, they've got all this crappy food that is cheaper than the Salvation Army!" Red gets into the Vista Cruiser with a bag from McDonald's, and drives off.

**THE END**


	12. Red Forman and Spouse Fights

**RED FORMAN AND SPOUSE FIGHTS**

Red and Kitty are in the kitchen fighting.

"Men, when fighting with you wife, let her win! Even if she's not right, let her win! There is nothing worse than having to hear a woman complain over and over again. Let her, MAKE her win! Men, it's not worth the energy. And if she starts chucking you lamps, then I really feel sorry for you."

Red and Kitty continue fighting.

**TV AD:** Red is in a Famous Tate store.

"Famous Tate! They have everything I need for those broken appliances that I need replaced because of my crazy wife who likes to smash things."

**THE END**


	13. Red Forman Gets A Ticket

**RED FORMAN GETS A TICKET**

Red is driving the Vista Cruiser when he hears a siren behind him.

"Ah, crap." Red pulls to the side of the road, then looks at the camera that is in the passenger side seat. "When pulled over, be sure to hope that you get a girl, and make sure to put on plenty of 'Old Spice'."

Red reaches into the glove-box to pull out a bottle of Old Spice, he then takes the cap off and pours it onto himself. Red hears a knock at the window and rolls it down to find a man officer who looks exactly like Brad Garret.

"Damn. Next, if you do get a man... well, I don't actually know. Unless you're a tinkerbell or something..."

"License and registration." The officer dully says.

"What have I done?" Turns to camera. "This is a surefire way to get the cops attention."

"You were going sixty. Do you know what the speed limit down here is, huh? Do you punk?"

Red turns back to camera. "Or, it can just piss off the cop even more." Turns to cop. "I have no damn clue!"

"It's thirty. Thirty. You were doing sixty. I'll have to write you up a speeding ticket. Now give me your license and registration."

"Never forget your registration, that's a key element!" Red looks around in his glove box to not find the registration. "Damn it! Eric!"

Red hands just the license to the cop.

"And the registration?"

"My son has it at home."

"You do know where the registration belongs, right?"

"In the glove box, but my dumbass of a son took it out."

"Dumbass, huh? I have at home just like that too! I'll be right back."

Red turns to the camera. "Although talking about your children may work too!"

The cop returns and hands the license back to Red.

"I'm sorry, but this car has a warrant to be picked up, too many unpaid tickets."

"Tickets? I've never... this is my first... Eric!"

"Dumbass kid, huh? At least mine doesn't..."

"Shut it!"

The cop looks at Red.

"You'll also have to spend a day in driving school to pay off that point."

"What kind of a dumbass..."

The cop stares at Red.

"You know you're not helping yourself."

Red looks at the cop, then to the camera.

"Note to self, kill Eric." Red gets out of the car.

**TV AD:** "A word from the police department, just pay your tickets, and this won't happen to you!" The cop turns around to see Red's car being towed.

"Eric!" Red yells.

"Everybody loves Eric..." The cop goes back over to Red.

**THE END**


	14. Red Forman Talks About the Rain Forest

**RED FORMAN TALKS ABOUT THE RAINFOREST**

Red is sitting in his chair in the living room.

"Today I'll talk to you people about the rainforest. It's a bunch of trees with a bunch of animals that need to be saved from the corporations that make paper. I'd talk more, but who the hell really cares. The only thing I care about is that my stock on Mead Paper goes up today!"

**TV AD: **"Paper is important, so buy it from Mead so I can get my share in the stock market today! And for all those picketers outside on my front lawn trying to rally about saving the rainforest, I've got a friggin' shotgun!"

**THE END**


	15. Red Forman On Snow

**RED FORMAN ON SNOW**

Red is sitting in the garage with a snow shovel.

"I hate snow, there's nothing more to it. The brownish, slushy, depressing snow in which I have to get off my ass to shovel it off of the drive way when it should by my tinkerbell of a son shoveling this crap. I'm too old, I already have back problems! Snow sucks!" Red is then hit in the face with a snowball.

Red looks out to see who threw it and sees Kelso hiding behind a bush giggling.

"Okay, dumbass!" Red gets up from the chair, and runs after Kelso who is now screaming like a girl.

**TV AD: **"Snow shovels now on sale at the Home Depot. We can do it, they certainly can't help." Red says as he is sitting in a lounge chair.

"But dad!" Eric who is behind Red shoveling snow complains.

"Shut it dumbass. You're not going anywhere until the driveway is cleaned off!" Red picks up his iced tea.

**THE END**


	16. Red Forman Tries Happiness

**RED FORMAN TRIES HAPPINESS**

Red is sitting in his armchair in the living room with a letter in his hand.

"Hello, once again. I just received this letter from a..." Tries to read the handwriting. "Whoever you are, get some god damn better hand writing! Anyway, they write; 'Dear Red, How come you are never happy? You should try it once in a while.'" Red looks into the camera. "To whoever the hell you are, I tried happiness once, didn't care for it much. Also when I tried it, I ended up with a wife and two damn kids. No free time for myself, and annoying neighbors, heart attacks, and baldness. You see, there's just no time in my life anymore for happiness. So, for all you dumbasses out there who think happiness is the way to go, think again! Or you might just end up in hell like I did! And I'm still living in it!"

**TV AD: **"Got a question, send it to me! Got a comment, you know the drill! Just send it to 'Idiots Anonymous', P.O. Box 23242, Hollywood CA, 90829. And if you don't get a reply, well too damn bad!"

**THE END**


	17. Red Forman Kicks Off Season 2

**RED FORMAN KICKS OFF SEASON 2**

Red is sitting in his chair reading the paper, and lowers it when he sees the camera.

"Hi, there! Welcome to 'The Red Foreman Tidbit Minute' where I'm here to hit off season 2 with a bunch of new tidbits! It's going to be great, we've got more of my emotionally derived family!"

Eric and Kitty come out, and Kitty shows her pie.

"It's peach!" Kitty smiles.

"Kitty, that got old in season 1. This is season 2!" Red smiles to the camera, and Eric and Kitty leave.

"We also have annoying neighbors, pot smoking hippies, and you'll see me in action with a bucket of duct tape!" Red raises up a bucket of duct tape, and lowers it.

"Yep, we've got it all right here, tape, the flu, hospitals, grilling, psychology, and I'll even try to jog! That's all on this season of 'The Red Foreman Tidbit Minute'! 16 tidbits of... wait a minute, wouldn't it be 15 since this is a tidbit? Wouldn't it be 15? Or is it 16?" Red looks at the camera in anger.

"Haven't I told you before to get the hell out of my house? Do you really want my foot up your ass? Now get out!"

The camera and camera man run for the door.

**TV AD: **Red is still sitting in his chair.

"Screw these damn T.V. ads! I want a raise!"

Fades to 'We are experiencing technical difficulties'.

**THE END**


	18. Red Forman Is Actually On Drugs

**RED FORMAN IS ACTUALLY ON DRUGS**

Red is sitting in his chair while dazed out of it. Eric walks in front of the camera and begins to speak.

"I'm Eric Forman, my dad can't host this episode since he's too busy... eh..." Eric looks back at doped up Red. "...He's sick."

"No I'm not you... you... meathead! Ha ha! I'm Archie! Meat, I could go for some meat right now. Catty, I want a hamburger!" Red almost falls out of his chair.

"Dad, maybe you should take a nap."

"I want meat! And I want to dance!" Red stumbles out of his chair, and begins to boogie.

Kitty stumbles out from the kitchen with a tray of rare meat. She sees Red dancing and starts cackling.

"I remember dancing like that, that was back when there used to be poles everywhere." Kitty throws the tray to the ground and dances with an imaginary pole.

"Maybe this is a good time to just get the hell out of here... right now." Eric yells at the camera.

Laurie comes from downstairs with a report card in her hand. She petites her way over to her father.

"Daddy, can you sign my incredibly great report card?"

"Not now, I wanna dance some more!" Red continues to dance.

"You know what would go good with this dancing, some pretzels!" Kitty stumbles back into the kitchen, to only stumble back in when she sees Bob enter in only his underwear.

Red stops dancing.

"Good lord!" Red is about to say something when he begins to crack up.

"I could go for some pretzels... with that dip on the floor." Bob bends down, and eats some of the rare meat. "Tastes like Hershey's."

Eric looks back at the camera. "What the hell has happened to these people?"

Hyde enters the living room with a pan of brownies, smiling.  
"Brownies!" Kitty runs over Hyde and begins to grab a brownie.

Eric looks back at the camera astonished.

**TV AD: **Eric is standing next to Hyde with his tray of brownies. "Betty Crocker Brownie Mix, on sale at your local Price Mart."

"And if you want the special ingredient, meet me out back." Hyde begins to eat a brownie.

**THE END**

_More tidbits coming soon._


	19. Red Forman and Gas Prices

**RED FORMAN AND GAS PRICES**

_Co-written by ReyDeMuerte._

"I'm here today to talk to you all about gas prices. I mean come on! Texaco has just risen their prices two cents! Two! Which raises now a question: what the hell is the world coming to? It's like this thing is the Pope or something! It's so valuable that only drug dealers and men in suits can pay for it. Yet we have foreigners being paid 99 cents to get it for us."

Fez comes out and goes over to Red.

"You racist son of a bitch."

"What?" Red asks.

"Good day."

"Racist?"

"I said good day!"

Fez walks off.

"You see what I mean people? I pay my taxes, send my kids to school, and yet they get free gas and get to live here illegally and when someone complains about it they get all Gandhi-Postal-Homicidal-and-What-Not on our asses. And we should be on the lookout for these people, before they decide to destroy our homeland and stuff. So please, donate to G.P.H.W.N to help stop these yellow skinned people from trying to do things that may cause harm to our youth. And now, let's go to the mailbox!"

Red reaches in and pulls out a letter.

"This letter is from... Osama Muhammad Awad bin Laden who is 20 and lives in Jeddah... wherever that is. His question is, 'why are these people called Americans so racist toward people from the middle east. Our people should take protest mostly violently and make sure the Americans know who they're dealing with here.'"

Red looks up to the camera.

"Well Mr. bin Laden, all I can say is that you sir are a dumbass, and that's exactly why we try to stop people like you from entering our country in the first place. So for all you dumbasses out there, stay away, otherwise we'll go American on all your asses. We did it Korea we did it in 'Nam, and we can most certainly do it again! And that's all the time we have, if you'd like to send me a question, well then send them to 'Idiots Anonymous', P.O. Box 23242, Hollywood CA, 90829. Good night."

**TV AD:** "Get a gun and protect your home. Price Mart is offering 50 percent off to all you patriotic folks out there. That's where I got this bad boy!"

Camera rolls out to show Red with an Anti-Tank Gun.

**THE END**

_More tidbits coming soon._


	20. Red Forman: The Asshole

**RED FORMAN, THE ASSHOLE**

_**Reader Discretion is Advised: Strong language.**_

* * *

Red is in the garage reading a stack of letters from fans. He looks up to the camera disgusted.

"For those who have sent in mail... hate mail. Particularly on topics we've covered such as Foreigners, the Rain Forest, and also about my use of cursing on the air. Well, I'll make this as PG-13 as possible. There's only one word that can describe me. I'm an asshole. Yes, I really am. I do drive slow in the fast lanes and give out the finger to anybody and their mother. I really have no heart, and I'm cold when it comes to caring. But the fact is, I don't really give a damn. I have my own show, you don't. Ha. Plus, the world is full of these assholes. So, you should be used to the fact that, yes, people are assholes. It's not my fault, and I frankly don't care and I can't do anything about it. But, there is one thing you can do. Other than sending me hate mail... is if you don't want to end up like some 97.9 percent of the world, then you should use the checklist provided below to make sure that you don't become someone like me."

Camera pans to a chalk board with a checklist on it. The checklist consists of:

_-Crawl in a hole and die._

Camera goes back onto Red.

"As you can see... there's not a lot you can do to not be an asshole. Because face it, we are all assholes. But, if you don't know if you or some other guy you know is an asshole or not, then the checklist below may help you."

Camera pans to a chalk board with a checklist on it. The checklist consists of:

_-Be like Red Forman._

_-Bury those who have crawled into the holes._

_-Do everything else man has ever done bad to other men._

_-Make sure the woman is on top._

Camera goes back onto Red who looks at the fourth checkpoint.

"Uh..." He wipes the fourth fact off of the board. "There! Well, I think you've got the drift. So, just remember, before you send in that hate mail, think about whether or not you're really the asshole. Good night."

Red goes back to sorting out letters.

**TV AD:** "I just love this Denis Leary! He's so right about his songs. Get over to Price Mart and buy his albums!"

**THE END**

_Hey assholes! More tidbits coming soon!_


	21. Red Forman Gets Punk'd

**RED FORMAN GETS PUNK'D**

Kelso is outside of the Forman home.

"Hey, everybody. We're outside the Forman home, where we're about to play an awesome prank on Red himself. Yeah, what the set up is going to be is that we're going to have our friend here, Bob, to be that 'nosy' neighbor and notice that Red's car is missing. We've gotten Donna to take his car out for a ride, and so everything's in place. Let's go to the live feed!"

Red is sitting in his chair with the paper in his hands.

"I'm glad to see that you people have decided to tune in for another _Red Forman Tidbit_. Today, we'll be talking about transvestites and how..."

Red is interrupted by the door-bell.

"Who the hell could that be? And especially at this time of day!"

Red storms up to the door.

"If you're another one of those reps from FOX and think you can tear this house down, think again. I've got a shotgun!"

Red pulls the door open to find Bob at the door shaking.

"Bob? What the hell do you want?"

"Uhhh... Hey, Red."

"What is it, Bob?"

"I was just watering my yard and all when I noticed that your car isn't in the driveway."

"My car? You mean the Vista."

"No, that blue Corvette of yours."

"My wha? What do you mean it's not there!"

Red storms around back to the garage to see that the Vista is but his Corvette isn't.

"Eric!" Red yells.

Eric comes running around to the driveway. "Yes, dad?"

"Oh." Red looks around anxiously and calls for Kitty.

"Yes dear?" Kitty walks out with a pie in her hand.

"Call the police! I think someone stole my Corvette." Red runs inside to the living room to use the phone. Kitty follows and stands next to him as he starts to dial.

"When I get my hands on the guy who did this, I'll blow him away."

Kitty wiggles around trying to keep the secret, but blurts it out.

"Red, Donna asked me if she could take the car out because Kelso wanted to prank you." She laughs, "They wanted me to keep it a secret, but I guess it slipped out!"

"What?" Red puts down the phone slowly as Kelso runs into the house.

"You weren't supposed to tell him!" Kelso stares dumbfoundedly at what to do next as Kitty runs into the kitchen where Bob and Eric come in.

"Well, you just got Punk'd Red!" Kelso laughs as he says it.

"Oh, you thickheaded son of a bitch!" Red reaches under his chair to pull out a shotgun. "Punk'd this, dumbass!"

Red starts after Kelso with his shotgun, Kelso screams like a girl and runs out of the house while Red follows him to the door. Red sees that he's still on the air, throws the shotgun behind the couch, and turns back toward the camera smiling. Eric and Bob look at each other, and quickly rush into the kitchen to get away from Red.

"I'm Red Forman. This is _my_ show. If none of you can accept that, then I'm sure you won't mind my foot in your ass, or lead up your..." Red stops after he turns his attention to behind the camera where then he nods and continues to talk. "It looks like we're out of time! Come back next time where we'll talk politics! I'm Red Forman, good night."

Red runs out of the door with the shotgun to chase after Kelso.

**TV AD:** Red drives his Corvette to an alleyway. In the backseat is a gagged Kelso. After he parks the car, Red gets out with his shotgun and looks to the camera.

"Corvette. Perfect for that weekend getaway or that one messy job you should've taken care of years ago." Red turns his head to Kelso who tries to scream.

**THE END**

_More tidbits coming soon!_


	22. Red Forman Talks Fitness

**RED FORMAN TALKS FITNESS**

Red is sitting in his chair as usual.

"I was going to talk about fitness today, but I've decided to not to because I'm too damn lazy. So instead, we're going to talk about beer."

Red holds up a beer can.

"Beer is truly the greatest invention man could ever hope for."

Kitty comes in and begins talking to Red. He looks at her, then back to the camera.

"Of course, Jack Daniels is even better."

Red picks up a bottle of Jack Daniels and a glass, and he begins pouring himself a glass.

**TV AD:** Red is still sitting in his chair while a treadmill sits behind him.

"Sears is a great place to get yourself a treadmill. But Price Mart is an even better place to find yourself quality liquor at a low end price! Cheers!"

Red begins to drink from the bottle while Kitty continues to bicker.


	23. Red Forman On Twilight

**RED FORMAN ON TWILIGHT**

Red is sitting in his chair, and he stares at the camera. He continues to stare blankly until he takes in a breath.

"If you like _Twilight_, then you should just die."

Fez runs into the room to protest.

"But, Red..."

"Shut the hell up you frutilicious dumbass."

Fez leaves the room, and Red eyes the camera.

"What the hell is it with you people? Can't you, for one year, come up with some type of entertainment that doesn't revolve around the word "crap"? I mean, like my wife's romance novels. Those are sexy! But not some pale vampire who glitters in the sun like he's an ice skater and falls in love with one of the most annoying actresses around. What is wrong with you people? Roller disco was one thing. _Titanic_ was another. But _Twilight_? If FOX were ever to offer me a role in any of those damn movies, then I'd shoot myself before I'd answer 'yes'."

Kitty strolls in with a pie in her hands.

"Now, now Red. What did the therapist say about talking like that?"

Red looks to Kitty.

"Would you star in _Twilight_, Kitty?"

"Why yes, Red, I would. I think the idea of a vampire falling in love with a woman is a beautiful idea."

Red stares at Kitty. She shows the pie to Red.

"It's peach pie!"

Red smiles.

"Mmmmm, let's get some of that pie!"

Red pops up from his seat and follows Kitty into the kitchen.

**TV AD:** Red is with Fez in the electronics aisle at Best Buy.

"Because Circuit City had to be a bunch of dumbasses and go out of business, I've had to convert to doing my shopping at Best Buy. So, come over here today and pick up a copy of _Underworld,_ for all those true vampire movie fans."

"You heartless son of a bitch. You should try opening up to your feelings, Red."

"I believe the pussy section is over there, foreigner."

Fez runs off as Red smiles back to the camera.


	24. Red Forman Talks About Santa Claus

**RED FORMAN TALKS ABOUT SANTA CLAUS**

Red is sitting in the kitchen with a cup of coffee.

"Santa Claus: that happy-go-lucky, jolly, bearded, curly-haired, fat, hairy idiotic moron. Ha. You must be talking about Bob."

**TV AD:** "Gillette, now on sale at Price Mart for those overly hairy people!"

**THE END**


	25. Red Forman and Bleeping

**RED FORMAN AND BLEEPING**

Red is sitting in his armchair reading one of Kitty's romance novels. He happens to look up to see that the camera is rolling, and he throws the book over his shoulder.

"The FCC has really put a strain on anyone cursing on broadcast television, which has now put a damper on being able to say my favourite line, **BLEEP**. Wait, what? You've bleeped my mother**BLEEP** word?" Red listens to the guy behind the camera. "Well, that's **BLEEP** up. Stop bleeping me for **BLEEP** sakes! Do something else." Red listens, "I don't know! Like I give a **OOH-LA-LA**!

"This is completely **OOH-LA-LA**... messed up. Know what, we'll be back later after I deal with those **OOH-LA-LA** at the FCC. Now get the hell out of my living room!" Red gets up from the armchair and walks off screen.

**TV AD:** Red is in Price Mart near the plasma screen televisions.

"Get over to Price Mart to pick up one of these babies! **OOH-LA-LA** Best Buy! Shop Price Mart!"

**THE END**


	26. Red Forman on Instant Messaging

**RED FORMAN ON INSTANT MESSAGING**

Red is sitting at his computer in the living room.

"Welcome back to the now uncensored Red Forman show! That's right! I can say whatever the hell I like!"

The camera changes angle.

"If there's one thing that pisses me off, it's instant messaging! What exactly is wrong with using the telephone? I mean, you can actually hear the person's voice then. And not only that, I don't have to sit here and watch some dumbass type out some cryptic language. What the hell is 'Lowl'? Some three letter word than makes absoutely no sense whatsoever! Come on, dumbasses, try to speak the King's english once in a while!"

Eric walks over. "Uh, dad? That's 'L-O-L' and it means 'laugh out loud'."

Red stares at Eric. "Get your A-S-S out of here before my F-O-O-T goes up it!"

Eric walks away, and Red stares back to the camera.

"I always thought that AIM was the name of a toothpaste."

**TV AD: **"Keep those annoying instant messengers away with Norton anti-virus! I have no idea what an anti-virus does, but it's got the word 'anti' in it, and that's good enough for me!"

**THE END**

_More tidbits coming your way!_


	27. Red Forman Meets an Emo

**RED FORMAN MEETS AN EMO**

Red is walking down the street when he bumps into an emo guy. Red's mouth becomes agape as he stares at the boy.

"Has Halloween come early or something? What in Satan's Hell are you supposed to be?"

The boy stares at Red. "I'm me, sir. I'm acting like myself."

"Has the circus come to town or something? Purple hair, black rings around your eyes. Are you like Raccoon Boy or something?"

"Uhhh--"

"You're not one of those that go roller skating, are you? Cause my son's into that crap."

"No, I'm just walking down the street."

"Well, might I say, that you look like a dumbass."

"Thank you, sir."

Red turns to the camera. "Hi, I'm Red Forman, and what you've just seen here in this tidbit is the act of, uh," Red tries to read the cue-card, "stereotyping. Which is bad because here at FOX, we don't believe that stereotyping is-- Oh, screw this crap. I know the P.R. department wants me to better my image, but is this really necessary?" Red turns to the boy. "You really do look like a dumbass." Red turns back to the camera. " End of story."

**TV AD:** Red has his arm around the boy. Red looks very displeased and is cringing.

"Here at FOX, we don't believe that anybody should be stereotyped. And being stereotyped can lead to many different bad things. And it only takes a second to screw something up, like your useless life. So visit FOX . com / pause for more information. The P.R. department now better be happy. And someone get this fruitylicious ass away from me."

**THE END**


	28. Red Forman Gets a Job

**RED FORMAN GETS A JOB**

Red is on the street outside of a department store.

"Because of my little spectacle with the P.R. department, I now need to find a new job just in case the dumbass reps at FOX decide to finally shut me down. So, to get a job, I've traveled to the great city of Cleveland, to this place called Winfred-Lauder."

Red goes inside the store.

* * *

After he steps off the elevator on a new floor, Red meets a large looking guy.

"Welcome to Winfred-Lauder, I'm Drew Carey."

"Yes, uh, I'm Red Forman. I applied for a job to your store last week."

"I have looked over your resume, let's have a seat at my desk."

Red and Drew walk to Drew's cubicle, and they sit.

"So, you're looking for a job in the men's department of our store, is that right?"

"Uh, yes. Well, anything really."

"I'm sorry to tell you that the only real opening we have is in cosmetics. If you'd still be interested?"

Red uneasily looks to the camera, smiles, and looks back to Drew. "That'd be fine."

Mimi overhears Drew's conversation, and she yells at Drew. "A job in cosmetics! You knew I wanted that position, pig! Now you're going to pay for this!"

"I'm sorry, Mimi! It's just not possible!"

"Bite me, doughboy!" Mimi waddles off.

"When the hell did the circus come to town?"

"Pay no attention to my boss' assistant."

"Well, at least there'd be no inter-office romance going on there."

"So, you've worked in a factory for some years, and then at Price Mart, and then you opened your own auto-parts shop up for a while."

"Yes. Until the show got canned, and I had to start my own talk show."

"You've had quite the experience. I realize that not many men apply to the cosmetics section, so the job's yours if you want it."

"Really?" Red smiles, and his cellular phone rings. "Hello?" He listens. "Oh? That's great news!" He puts the phone away. "On second thought, you can shove your job, Sally. FOX is keeping my show!" Red gets up and runs out of the building.

**TV AD:** Red is standing outside of Winfred-Lauder.

"Cleveland doesn't rock. The Drew Carey Show, no longer showing on either ABC or TBS. But you can find That '70s Show all over the place! So, bite me, dumbass!"

**THE END**


	29. Red Forman Is on Hold

**RED FORMAN IS ON HOLD**

Red is sitting in the kitchen while on the phone. Kitty is baking a pie, and Eric and his friends are running back and forth getting food.

"It's great to be back here in my house. But the dumbasses at FOX have put me on hold because they don't know where my payroll has gone to. Can you believe it, I've been here at FOX for ten damn years, and this is how they repay me."

"Red? Red?" Kitty taps Red on the shoulder.

"What is it Kitty?"

"Would you like peach pie, or cherry?"

"I don't know Kitty--" Red listens. "Hello?" He rolls his eyes. "Damn automatic messages. What the hell ever happened to actually speaking to a real live person? Is it really that hard? It would also generate so many more jobs here in America seeing as everyone would be talking to someone. It's a win-win deal!"

"So, peach then?"

"Yes Kitty, peach. We always have peach!"

Kelso and Hyde run into the kitchen.

"Got any brownies, Mrs. Forman?" Kelso giggles.

"Super brownies?" Hyde laughs along.

"What have I told you people about running in this house? My wife doesn't work in the kitchen all day to have some misfits scuffing up the floor!"

"Thank you, Red. Boys, if you wait for about an hour, I'll have peach pie ready!"

"Peach pie, awesome!" Kelso runs out of the kitchen.

"Thanks Mrs. F!" Hyde runs too.

"Know what? Screw this! Nobody puts Red Forman on hold!" Red slams the phone down. He then looks to the camera. "Remember that Fortune 500 companies! I mean nobody!"

The phone rings. Red answers and listens. "Yeah, hold on one sec." Red slams the phone down and laughs.

**TV AD:** "Bellsouth! It's the damn phone company. They'll make you buy their service, or else."

**THE END**


	30. Red Forman on Psychology

**RED FORMAN ON PSYCHOLOGY**

Red is sitting on the couch. "I'm supposed to talk to you guys today about psychology." Red laughs. "But I'm not a psychologist. I mean, do I look like Tom Cruise to you? Haha, what a dumbass. But what I can tell you is, that if you'd like to learn about psychology, then why don't you bother going to school?" Red picks up his newspaper and begins reading it.

**TV AD:** Red is standing in front of a large bin of clearance priced DVDs.

"I bet you know where the Tom Cruise movies are at!"

**THE END**


	31. Red Forman Talks About Vampires

**RED FORMAN TALKS ABOUT VAMPIRES**

Red walks in from the kitchen with his newspaper and sits in his chair. He folds the newspaper up and stares into the camera.

"Now, I've talked deeply about how I feel about _Twilight_, but I feel that a further discussion about vampires is necessary seeing as I have reservations with these creatures, and because it is Halloween.

"If there is something that pisses me off beyond belief, it is, and I'm not talking about Bob or Eric's fruity foreigner friend, I'm talking about this generation's obsession with vampires! And it's not the good kind of vampires either because I do enjoy seeing Bela Lugosi's _Dracula_. You see, people? That's a vampire. And, don't get me wrong, I love vampires! I was a vampire the Halloween of '56 to commemorate Bela Lugosi's death!

"No, I'm talking deeply about these fruity little douchebags with big glittery hair and call themselves vampires. If I were to see some guy glitter in the sunlight, I'd question if blood is the only thing he likes to suck. I mean it too! With all these dumbass tweens running around here, it's no wonder why vampire movies have skyrocketed! These new vampire movies beat that crapfest called _Blacula_! If you want good vampire movies, then go watch _Vampyros Lesbos_! Or Kate Beckinsale in latex and leather.

"I am sick and tired of our dumbass youth trying to control what's a good fad and what's not a good fad and--"

Fez walks in along with Hyde and Jackie.

"You son of a bitch, Red! What have I told you about dissing these vampire movies?" Fez sits down on the couch and crosses his arms.

"Yeah, Mr. Forman. These new vampire movies are so romantic and they make you want to appreciate love!" Jackie looks at Hyde.

Hyde chuckles, "Don't look at me for that."

Red stares at the three of them. "Is this the _'70s Show_, or is this my Tidbit Minute?"

"Kiss my fruity foreigner ass."

The three exit the living room.

"Now, I've proposed a solution to this vampire problem." Red pulls out a chart. "Let's bring in werewolves! Yes! Werewolves! Just produce a movie where the werewolves kick some ass, and we're back on top. Take that vampires!"

Fez peeks his head through the door. "Uh, Red? Werewolves are also in _Twilight,_ I think."

"Son of a bitch!" Red gets up from his chair and throws the chart aside. "I'm sick of trying to kick some sense into you people. You want to watch crap, so be it! I'm going to go watch _Smoky and the Bandit_--a real American classic. Now get the hell out of my living room!"

Red walks upstairs.

**TV AD:** Red is sitting in his chair while holding a BetaMax player.

"BetaMax! Now producing Bela Lugosi's movies such as _Dracula_! Get one today!"

**THE END**


	32. Red Forman Tries Caring

**RED FORMAN TRIES CARING**

Red is sitting in his chair.

"I've gotten numerous mail from fans complaining that I don't care enough. And the fact is, I don't give a rat's ass. You can complain all you want to, but until you're sixty, don't even look at me because it's not hard to care. Caring can be a great thing, if you want to be a patsy for the rest of your life. The last time I tried caring, I ended up with Eric."

"Thanks dad." Eric replies as he's sitting on the couch.

"You're welcome, son." Red smiles.

**TV AD:** Red is still sitting in his chair.

"The Red Forman Tidbit Minute Season Three is coming soon! You'd better watch, or my foot will be up your ass."

**THE END**

_Season three tidbits coming soon!_


	33. Red Forman Introduces You to Season 3

**RED FORMAN INTRODUCES YOU TO SEASON THREE**

Red is sitting in a lounge chair in the garage. He's sipping from a glass of lemonade when he looks up to the camera.

"Welcome back to my Tidbit Minute for a third season! Yes, it's taken us four years to put out thirty-two high quality tidbits! Of course, we all feel kind of special pretty much being the only ones around to have 2005 in the header bar.

"But not to worry! We will certainly have more coming soon. Though, some people have mailed in telling me that they're angry that I never did everything on the list planned in season two. I know watching me go jogging would be the most hilarious thing in the world. And yes, a few of those tidbits did get sidetracked so that I could rant about how much I hate Twilight and how I could get Punk'd by a bunch of dumbasses.

"I'll resolve that problem this season, where I actually do go for a jog. You'll also see much more of my family, much more of my annoying son's group of friends. Not to mention Bob."

Bob walks into the garage. "I heard my name being called."

"Not now, Bob." Red drinks the last of his lemonade, "On second thought, Bob." Red hands Bob his glass. "See, look at that! High quality service!"

"Ohhhh, Red!" Kitty runs out into the garage with a pie. "I made cherry!"

"Cherry pie, Kitty? Really? You always make peach!"

"I thought for a change--"

Kelso begins to walk into the garage when Red grabs the pie from Kitty and slams it into Kelso's face. Kelso drops the letters in his hand and runs off screaming. Kitty leaves also.

"Ah! Mail!" Red picks up the letters. "I'd like to introduce the newest segment to the show, "Mail Red". It's where you readers get to message me with current events, questions, and complaints. I bet there'll be a lot of that last one!"

**MAIL RED:** "This one is from Bob. And he writes, 'how come you always boss around everyone on this show? Don't you empathize with anyone else?'" Red looks to the camera. "I don't know who the hell you are, but you sir, are a dumbass." Red throws the letter over his shoulder.

Bob comes back with a full glass of lemonade for Red. "Did you read my letter, Red?"

"That was yours, Bob?"

"Yeah."

Red stares to the camera, "I rest my case." Red grabs the glass, sits back, and begins to sip it.

**TV AD:** Red and Bob are sitting with glasses of lemonade.

"Crystal Light, the perfect powdered refreshment for anytime of the year!"

"Uh, Bob?"

"Yes, Red?"

"I'm the one who does the advertisements."

"Sorry, Red."

"Crystal Light: what he said."

**THE END**

_More season three tidbits coming soon! Be sure to send your messages via PM for Red to read!_


End file.
